Page 10 - Senior Times South Central Michigan April 2021 - 28-04

Page 10 Senior Times - April 2021
THE REBIRTH OF JOY
By: Sherii Sherban, Publisher
We just celebrated the family birthday month. There are so many March birthdays in my family that we often had one party to celebrate them all. Both my parents, Rich and Shirley DeRuiter, were born in March. In fact, just four days separated their birthdays. Sandwiched in between is the birth of our son, who miraculously, missed being born on another family member’s special day. March brings to mind all the great experiences and life lessons my parents taught me as well as the new lessons learned through loss. So as we pass into April and the newness of spring it gives me a great opportunity to express my personal journey through grief and the rebirth of joy.
was more helpful than one might expect. Comments from many of you about how my mother had touched your life in some way was precious to the entire family. Thank you for taking the time to share this with us.
preparing for a wedding that my mother would not be at; continuing with projects that were important to her; and still finding myself in there somewhere. For me, Tolstoy’s words hit the mark. “Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
~ Leo Tolstoy
For me, it was through living and loving that healing occurred and joy resumed.
We all took on new roles in helping our father to adjust to the loss of his soul mate and still remain independent. From helping with finances to working around the house, as well as helping him continue with the hobbies that were important to him. Sharing those responsibilities and decisions with my brother made it manageable alongside trying to run the family business. Most important was the decision to put new legal documents in order. It was difficult but important to hear Dad share his choices as we all sat together with his attorney and to be sure it was all put in writing. We did not know at the time how important they would be later.
Let me start by saying I am not a counsel- or. As I have experienced life over the years
I have discovered that we all have a different way of looking at the world. I prefer to expe- rience life to the fullest and to find the joy
in all that I do. Others, well lets say, have a different perspective. Clearly we need both the optimist and the pessimist but the interac- tion between the two can often be interesting. Consider however, that even the optimist must look at the ups and downs of life with reality.
What I found to be interesting though were the expectations placed on me by others. The expectation that I should grieve in a certain way; the expectation that I should change certain behaviors; the expectation that I would assume new roles; the expectation that life would continue on without affecting my way of looking at the world. And the big one... the expectation that while I was supposed to grieve, I couldn’t be “unhappy” around any- one, because that just, “wasn’t me” ... that was the most disturbing of all.
This concept became real to me when
my mother became ill. Her passing is what slapped me upside the head however. My family processed what had happened in the best way we knew how and managed to accomplish everything that needed to be done. Had it not been for the support of family, staff, and friends, the process would have been even more difficult. And so we contin- ued on.
What is grieving all about anyway? Even in grief, we all respond differently. I just wanted the opportunity to grieve without the responsibility of carrying on with everyday life activities, or meeting other’s expectations, at least for a short while. And yet, it was those activities that allowed me to push forward, day-by-day, moving on with my blessed life in a new way. New responsibilities at work; new responsibilities with the family;
And just like that six years passed and so did my father. Now everything would change. The loss of my father was quite a differ-
The beautiful outpouring of support
ent situation altogether with his attorney.
The challenge of fighting for him to get the care he needed was unexpected and made addressing his needs even more difficult. Had it not been for the legal documents that we had completed as a family our journey would have been even more grueling. In the end, our
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