Page 3 - Senior Times South Central Michigan July 2022 - 29-07

seem frail by comparison. Parents who were once in charge and all-powerful, often have difficulty relinquishing their authority and allowing themselves to be cared for by their grown children. But this reversal of roles
address those while everyone, yes everyone, is in the room. Put these details in writing so that no one is confused about what was said that day, or over the years.
peace of mind of knowing that you have done what you need to do to help your fam- ily with a transition that is hopefully many, many years in the future. Some may need a mediator to make it through these steps.
is a natural part of life. Adult children need to show their elderly parents sufficient con- cern, and aging parents need to show their children adequate appreciation. Most of us simply want respect, but in the name of stub- bornness, some elders may refuse to anoint their children as their successors; and in the name of stubbornness, some grown children may decide to abort family traditions.
To my surprise, a valued Christmas tra- dition that my parents began years ago was giving us a treasured possession each year while they were able to enjoy seeing our faces as we received those gifts. It eliminat- ed any confusion about who they wanted to give that prized gift to and it also allowed each of us to be very clear about what would be most cherished by each of us, for whatev- er reason.
What makes this easier for the adult sib- lings? Showing love and support is one of the most powerful ways we can build strong relationships with our adult siblings. Being generous with our time and resources can also help us in our sibling relationships. If we let it, generosity can replace animosity.
As adults, we have the opportunity to function effectively with those around us. Even if we always got our own way as chil- dren, we do not have the right to make all the rules, and we do not have the right to punish each other. Unfinished business from childhood can last a lifetime if we let it. So let it go and start behaving like an adult; make amends.
Beyond this wonderful tradition is the fact that much more should really be put in writing. If you want specific items to go to someone you should be sure that they want to receive it. Maybe, just maybe, they know that it might have greater value to another sibling. The more specific you are the fewer the questions. Parents should also be certain that when assigning an end-of-life role to someone that they are willing and or inter- ested in taking on that challenge. Your elder law attorney can help you sort through what docuements will be best to have completed.
This is especially important as we may need to make decisions about an aging par- ent. Focusing on the needs of the parent will help to get through the process but may not be enough if there are still feelings of resent- ment.
Sadly, if sibling rivalry is not addressed,
it can be the thing that causes the loss of a parent to be far more difficult. Is it hopeless? I think not.
We must guard against faultfinding, anger, and disrespect one for another, especially as we prepare to close the estate of a loved one.
Try to imagine what kind of an example you are setting for your children to follow
in your final days. If you find that it is dif- ficult to respect your siblings at a time like this then turn that respect towards the family member that you both care for and consider that respect is synonymous with care and concern. Parents, this alone is a great argu- ment for setting up a living will or trust.
We all know, and yet dread, that our par- ents will someday move on. While it’s never pleasant to think about, it is still a reality.
I have watched time and time again as the transition can cause or enhance sibling fight- ing and frustrations. Whether it’s the lamp that everyone wants or the hurt feelings because they weren’t the one chosen to close out the estate.
Senior Times - July 2022 are going to cause a problem so why not
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If you set up a will, trust, or other doc- uments 20 years ago you can change it as situations change. These documents should indeed be revisted from time to time. If you change resposibilities for someone be sure that they know so it is not a surprise during a time of need.
So how do we start these difficult conver- sations? Be the adult, be the lead, and get
it going. Maybe you need to start small or maybe you are the one that needs to brought into the conversation but I urge you to not be afraid of it but to embrace it and gain the
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You may be surpised to read that you,
the adult parent, have a lot of control over how things play out after you’re gone. Using your power beforehand can eliminate a lot of resentment later.
Reflection can bring perspective. But reflection and introspection require time. Remeber, offenses committeed in childhood were made by a child and understood by a child. As an adult, you can allow that filter to change to adult understanding. Sometimes the most difficult conversations to have are the most rewarding. So why not start today so that your time in the sandwich generation is the best it can be?
What do I mean you may wonder? Deep down you probably truly know what things
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